So I know it's been forever since I've actually made a real post. Well, I'm in a very reflective mood right now and I am doing anything to procrastinate from planning my lessons for the week. I just got back from a church service in a bar (yes, my church has a service in bar once a month. One of the many awesome things I love about my church), and it's put me in this mood. A lot has been happening and going through my mind the past few months. The school year ends in 5 weeks and I can't tell you how anxious I am to put this year behind me. It started out really well, with a lot of positivity, but all of that has gone down the toilet. I don't even know where to begin. To kind I give you a better idea, I teach in a school that pretty much has some of the bottom of the barrell as far as students go through the Jefferson County Public school system hear in Louisville. What I mean is that there are many middle schools that offer advanced or magnet programs that students have to apply and be accepted into. And middle schools on the eastern side of the city have more of the affluent families. My school is located in the southeastern part of the city, which is very low-economical and offers no advanced or magnet programs. So my school basically gets the leftover local students. Now don't get me wrong. There are some very bright and well mannered kids that attend my school. But they get overlooked and overrunned by the students that aren't. And if you ask me, No Child Left Behind only truely hurts the good ones who get overlooked. But I won't open that can of worms right now. Anyway, let me tell you something a parent told me. I called this boy's mother, because of his misbehavior in my classroom. Her response to me was, "Oh, he lives with his grandmother. You'll have to call her about it." I was stunned. This woman could care less about her son and his behavior. It's one of those things that makes me realize that my students are just victims; products of poor upbringings and environments. They were not even given much of a chance when they were born. There are those who will rise above and actually make something of their lives, but the sad reality is that those are far and few between. It often makes me wonder how I would have turned out if I were raised in an environment like to ones my students are raised in. I feel so blessed and thank God everytime I can that He has given me such a loving family and parents that I feel so spoiled sometimes. I didn't deserve it. I easily could have been that kid who was raised and taught he was worthless and no one loved him. What frustrates me now, is how needy and numerous my students are and how I can't be all of the things they need to solve their problems. My job has drained me and burned me out so much that I've really become so irritated and impatient with the constant disrespect and back talk that I get from my students, knowing that they haven't been taught any better. I've become really irritable and have developed a short fuse, that I'll sometimes snap at a student for little things he/she does that bugs me. I really hate being like that and then coming home every day completely wiped out and dreading the next. It makes me feel like a failure sometimes and question if this was really my calling. In college I felt called to teach in an urban setting. I confess now that at the time I liked telling people about it, because it seemed very noble. (not the best or humblest mindset). I would watch movies and read stories like "Dangerous Minds" or "Freedom Writers' Diaries" and dream about being one of those teachers who really has a positive impact on those kind of kids. But I don't know now. Maybe I was way in over my head. It's easier to think you can do something before you actually have to do it. I really hate to think that I'm bailing now that it really gets tough. Then again, maybe there are certain limits that we have and we have to move on when we've done all we can to the best of our abilities. That's the crossroads I'm at right now. I put in for a transfer to others schools for the next school year. I feel I just need a clean break; a fresh start. Maybe actually get a chance to refine my skills and actually do some real teaching instead of wasting time dealing with misbehaviors. I know other schools aren't perfect and have their own problems, but I got to do something to get my confidence back and see if this teaching thing really is for me. For those of you who have made it this far in the post, I really would appreciate any prayers for wisdom that God will show me the next step and that I will follow. Anyway, enough of that. Here's some positive things. The past two weekends I've had some friends in the Louisville area. Last weekend my friends Jason, Sabrina, Phil, and Jess from my home area all came down and visited me. It was an awesome time just hanging out and reconnecting old friendships. And then this past weekend Amanda Parker and Stephanie Okuley Wright were in Louisville, and I got to hang out with them in their hotel (which was awesome, because that hotel has some crazy art galleries in it). It's nice having people come and visit. Sometimes, it does get a bit lonely around here. Even though I have made some amazing friends here in Louisville, it's still nice to catch up with visiting friends from the past. I really appreciate things like xanga, facebook, and myspace that allow us to keep in contact with one another and share parts of our lives, even though we all go our separate ways. Life truely is a journey and everyone has his/her own story to tell. I wonder what kind of stories I'll be able to share 50 years from now. It's weird to think. Anyway, blessings to one and all. Don't be strangers. Keep posting, commenting, whatever and let me know how you all are doing. Brutally Honest Fact: Life never turns out the way we planned it. | 
